Vampire Crush
I was the luckiest guy in school. Paula Jenson, the prettiest girl in school, asked me out. Me, Brendan Jasper, the overweight nerd with a shirt pocket full of pens, out on a date. Well, it wasn't a date.
Subscription sloth
It's been a month since I canceled that stupid subscription my sister ordered for me. If I had known my life would turn out like this, I would've happily let the pile of beauty magazines live in my bathroom.
The Hair Snakes
Nothing in life is perfect, even my girlfriend. Don't get me wrong, she is amazing, not to mention: beautiful, intelligent, witty, caring, and eagerly accepts any opportunity to be with me. By all metrics, I have one great gal. There is one problem, her hair hates me. Now you might be asking yourself, her hair? How? Let me explain.
Government Conspiracy TV
"Alright, which one of you motherfuckers did it?" Carver said, barging through the doors of the conference room. Around the elongated oval table were several men and a woman. They all wore the same generic black business suits, but had different colored ties. Their heads turned away from the TV at the back concrete wall and gave Carver the attention he demanded.
Monster Under the Bed
“But Mom! There’s a monster under my bed!” Timmy begged, hearing something scurry underneath.
“Yes, I know. You may play with him in the morning dear, but now it’s bedtime.”
Timmy shook under his blue covers. How was he supposed to sleep if there was a monster under his bed? Didn't she understand the whole concept of a monster?
Elf Princess
“Oh, crap! I fold you I am a princess, right?” my girlfriend, Mitzy, asked and squeezed my arm.
I grabbed her pale little wrist. "You know normal couples save role play for the bedroom or Halloween, but I guess I'm down for it."
"I'm serious, Jason."
"That's Prince Jason to you!" I said, raising my hand. I didn't get to look at her expression since I was driving, but I'm sure she was smiling.
The Cat Did It
A bushy haired man named Branson was sitting up on his faded couch that proudly wore the scars of a glorified scratching post. Sitting on the other side of his smoke glass end table were two detectives donning drab grey suits. Their badges were the only colorful part of their attire, perched on their belts next to the spare magazine.
In Seven Minutes
“In seven minutes you’ll either die or meet the love of your life. Good luck!”
Got To Get To Work
Donavan hung up the corded phone on the wall. "Do you mind if I make another call?"
The guard pushed off the wall he was leaning against. "No more calls. Back to your cell."
Donavan sighed. "I thought so."
Too Much Power
Matthew stood at the altar of his problems. Before him two women were torn to shreds, blood splattered everywhere in his hotel room. The carpet was crimson and the walls were like abstract paintings if they only used different shades of red. This was the consequence of making anyone he pointed to fall in love with him.
What a Date!
Quiet conversations blended together with the soothing sound of the piano that played in the middle of the dimly lit room. A waiter weaved between the tables in his darker than black suit and bow tie, arriving at a table of two who were lost in each other’s eyes.
“Lobster Thermidor and Lamb Shank,” the waiter said, placing their meals in front of them.
Mystical VHS
Glass rained from the sky, while men in tactical gear descended upon me like black angels of death. There was nothing I could do in the dark complex filled with giant silver vats. My team had abandoned me and so too had my rivals. As I floated in a glowing vat of smooth, pure white yogurt sprinkled with orangutan piss and bad choices, I dwelled upon everything that led up to this moment. It all started with a job.
The Warlord Provider
The sun was high in the sky and white cloud floated above, smiling down upon the land. The land, however, did not smile back. Dust and blood was all that laid on the barren land. My people were almost done loading the bodies into the trucks while I lit another cigar with a magnifying glass.
Santa Claus in April
“Honey, get the bat,” Eve whispered, shaking her husband awake in their bed.
“Huh, what’s going on.” Jake rubbed his eyes.
“There is someone downstairs.”
Jake threw the blanket off and rolled out of bed. He grabbed the Louisville Slugger that was leaning against the window sill and left the room. Jake peeked downstairs to see a red butt sticking out his fireplace, legs trying to push his fat body up.
Timezone Voodoo
I want to start by saying I love my girlfriend. She is the best. Heedy is thoughtful and a very giving person. But her timing is terrible. This is the tale of how I wound up living with her parents in the Magic Realm instead of Iowa.
The Gun Did It
The detective was sitting at the table, head concealed by the folder that was inches from his face. His eyes scanned through the report, looking for more information on his suspect. A dim light shined from above while his fellow officers snickered behind the glass observation window.
"Alright Mr. Glock, where were you on the night of the fifteenth?" Detective Ruso asked.
Billionaire Brain Film Crew
"Are you getting this?" Jason said.
His body jerked back and forth as the yellow dog robot tried to buck him off it’s back. Jason held on with one hand, waving his baseball cap like a buckaroo. The crowd of boxes in the warehouse watched without emotion, perched perfectly still on their shelves.
Finding Purpose
"Number sixteen. Sixteen," I said to the lobby.
"Over here." An older man waddled up to the counter and grabbed the brown bag of grease from me.
I looked out into the sea of faces all waiting for their turn on the shit express. It's one way to clean your plumbing out, but I would prefer an enema.